Making Sense Of It All

I've got to admit, I felt disappointed that I did not have a natural birth. I had confessed I had believed I had declared and decreed and prayed that she would turn and not be breeched, that I would have no complications in this pregnancy, that it would be pain free and fast, that my baby girl would be perfect in every way and healthy and beautifully and wonderfully made.

Did I not have enough faith? Did I not declare enough? Or was it because I did not meditate on the verses of promises enough? Because if you believe what you say, you can surely have it and if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to the mountain, be thou plucked out and thrown into the sea... Right? Well, I think like most people, I have not seen a mountain plucked out and thrown into the sea. But God is still good.

As I was hospitalized due to low amniotic fluids at week 36, I was seriously exhausted. I had no words, no declarations left. I only had one name to call upon, "Jesus". Do you ever run out of ideas of how to pray and what to pray? I realized that sometimes, I try to figure out a solution to my problem and then I pray that the problem be solved with my solution. Am I afraid that God will not have a better idea than me? 

If there's one thing I've rediscovered over and over again like a breakup cliche are the words "It's not you, it's me"... Only that it means something else. It means..."My daughter, my dear daughter, it's not you its me. It's not your effort your prayers, your works your faith, but it's me. It's my heart for you, my finished work, the faith of Jesus, it's me. It's my grace, it's my love, it's my faithfulness."

Today my baby girl Aletheia is 18 days old. It's been a marathon of breastfeeding, pumping, diaper changing and burping and I hardly had time to decompress all that has happened. As I was pumping today while the good daddy takes care of our girl, I decided to pray in tongues and just sing. I felt his presence just  so over me and I realized again that he is good. He is good, all the time, and all the time he is good.

I realized that I did have a great pregnancy. The complications were actually just false alarms but in actual fact everything was perfectly fine. I did have a quick delivery as she came out within 15 mins and I did feel no pain with the epidural during the C section. I did have a perfectly healthy and beautiful baby girl and she had no complications. The doctors said it was a perfect surgery and she is perfect and I was recovering well. I can hardly hardly even see my stitches and there were no complications with my C section at all or in my recovery. 

I am so so thankful to a God for answering my prayers. maybe not in the way that I had expected or wanted, but he did hear me and he is good. I know I won't have the answers as to why things didn't go a certain way but I don't want to play God and assume to be able to read his mind. All I can say is I don't know. but I guess that's also what faith and trust is all about right? 

I will hold on to the things I DO know - that is he faithful merciful and he loves me and has the best for me.... To make sense of the things I DON'T know.

Thank you Father for this miracle of life, this precious gift, my baby girl. 

Dearest Friend, maybe there has been a time in your life where you've wondered why things didn't go the way you prayed for and you've felt disappointed or that you didn't have enough faith. Let's take our eyes off ourselves and keep them on the one that has all the faith and all the plans to prosper us and not to harm us, to give us a hope and a future, who is making all things work out for the good of those who love him... Let's keep our eyes.... On Jesus. :)